Taking the First Step
by Miss Becky
Summary: Did you notice the change in Xander's attitude toward Spike in "Him?" A missing scene from the episode that might explain why.


Taking the First Step  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Spike or Xander, but it sure would brighten my world if I did.  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Spoilers: S7 "Him" but nothing too big. If you know Spike has a soul, it's safe to read this.  
  
Summary: A missing scene from "Him." Xander and his new roommate. Takes place after the incident with Dawn and the shredded cheerleader costume.  
  
Author's Note: I thought there was an awfully big change in Xander's attitude toward Spike during the course of this episode. He started out insulting and hostile, but by the end they were working together just fine. Here's my version of why this happened, and where things might go from here.  
  
I'm not entirely happy with this episode, by the way. It seems everybody is waaay too casual about Spike getting his soul back, and the fact that he *asked* for it back. I just hope we see some of the repercussions of this later in the season, before it's too late.  
  
Feedback: Is always gratefully accepted. Review or write to me at beckyg19@yahoo.com  
  
  
  
****  
  
Life on the Hellmouth was never really good, and Xander Harris was never truly happy, but right now, he felt pretty darn close. He had just spent a video-and-pizza night with Buffy, Anya was human again, and Buffy had saved Anya's life and called the girl her friend. Things hadn't been this nice in a while.  
  
He walked down the hall toward his apartment, smiling to himself. Once he would have jumped at the chance to spend an evening with Buffy, eager to show her what good boyfriend material he was. Now he was content just to be with his very good friend. Spending time with Buffy was always of the good.  
  
As opposed to spending time with the very good mortal enemy currently known as his roommate.  
  
He let himself into the apartment, and the thin hope he had been nurturing died a quick death. The place looked no cleaner, no shinier. Apparently Spike was just as much as mooch as he had been when they had shared living space before.  
  
There was no sign of the blond vampire. Xander frowned. "Spike?"  
  
He walked into the living room. "Spike?" Great. Just great. Buffy would be really pissed off if Spike had wandered off on his own.  
  
When Buffy had announced that they were going to take Spike out of the school basement, Xander hadn't been happy to hear the plan. Not one bit. "Why can't we just take him back to his crypt?" he had asked.  
  
Buffy had bit her lip. "Because," was all she could come up with. "He can't- He shouldn't be left alone."  
  
Irked at hearing the genuine sentiment in her voice, and even more annoyed that he was the one getting stuck with the bloodsucking roommate, Xander had opened his mouth, ready to launch into a long tirade.  
  
"Not a word, Xander," Buffy had snapped.  
  
He had shut up.  
  
"Spike? You here?" He thought he heard voices in the bedroom.  
  
"Spike?" The door was ajar, and Xander pushed it open cautiously. Chip or no, soul or no, he didn't trust the vampire. Never had. Never would.  
  
That didn't mean he was above using Spike for information. And right now, Soulboy, Jr. was their best source for the new evil brewing in the Hellmouth.  
  
As reluctant as he was to admit it, Xander hadn't liked going down to the school basement. Something was down there, all right, and whatever it was, it had Spike terrified and half-insane. The vampire had been afraid to leave the dark corners that had become his home, and Buffy had been forced to threaten him with bodily harm before he would go up the stairs and into the brightly-lit, locker-lined hallway above. Xander had been quick to follow, ushering Dawn ahead of him, not wanting to be left behind in that dim maze where the walls were never in the same place twice.  
  
Now, walking into the bedroom, it was like stepping back into the basement. Spike was sitting on the floor, in the corner. Knees up, one arm cradling his bowed head. Muttering to himself. "No no no. Not then. Didn't see."  
  
"Spike?"  
  
There was no response from the blond vampire, and Xander scowled. His earlier good mood had vanished. He had told Buffy this would happen, but she had brushed his protests aside. Why did this always happen to him? Why was he always the one stuck with the chores nobody else wanted, like baby- sitting the crazy vampire?  
  
He snapped his fingers and waved his hand in front of Spike's face. "Spike?"  
  
"It's on the floor," Spike insisted. "Simple. It crawled there."  
  
Xander had had enough. "Spike!" he shouted.  
  
The vampire flinched, but finally looked up. He stared at Xander through tearful, haunted eyes. "It wasn't me," he whispered hoarsely.  
  
All of Xander's snappy comebacks vanished.  
  
It wasn't me.  
  
Was it true? Could he really blame the creature in front of him for Spike's crimes? As astonishing as it was - and he was still adjusting to the idea - Spike had a soul now. A soul he had sought out and asked for.  
  
Xander folded his arms. Did a soul wipe the slate clean? Nobody had blamed Angel for Jenny Calendar's death. Except Angel himself, which Xander had been more than happy to let him do. Once Angel had gotten his soul back, it was "all is forgiven."  
  
Should it be any different with Spike?  
  
"No," Xander sighed. "I guess it wasn't."  
  
But he wondered. He did not doubt that Spike felt remorse for the things he had done to Buffy. What he questioned was how far that regret went. After Buffy's death last year, he had fully expected the vampire to sever all ties with the Scooby gang, but Spike had surprised them all by continuing to help out, each and every night. Still, Xander had no illusions as to the extent of Spike's "feelings" for the rest of them. The only one the vamp had ever cared about was Buffy.  
  
Even now, with a soul. After all, how much could a bloodsucking demon really change?  
  
He decided to test his theory. He hunkered down in front of the vampire. "Hey, Spike, do you remember when you came back to Sunnydale looking for that love spell?"  
  
Spike gave him a wary nod.  
  
"Remember attacking me in the classroom? The kidnapping? The broken bottle in Will's face? Do you remember all that?"  
  
Spike stared at him for a long moment, then gave another tiny nod. "Almost hurt the girl," he whispered. The tears were back. "Have to say I'm sorry. Have to tell her. Tell you. Have to pay for what I did." He shivered and ducked his head, as though he expected Xander to hit him. "I have to pay." The expression on his face was one of such pain that Xander was struck by a sudden sense of déjà vu. He knew he had seen that look before, but for a moment he couldn't remember where.  
  
Then it came back, with stark clarity. Standing under a tree, the night Buffy came back to them. I worked beside you all summer! And you. Didn't. Tell me  
  
Suddenly Xander hated himself. Insulting Spike wasn't fun anymore, and reminding him of the terrible things he had done wasn't a test. It was cruel. Buffy had brought Spike here to help him, and as her friend, Xander was bound by her hope. He had to at least try to do what she wanted.  
  
He stood up quickly, and offered a lame excuse. Not that Spike would notice, or even need the pseudo-apology. "Just checking, seeing if the Big Bad fried your memory, as well as your sanity."  
  
"Remember just fine," Spike muttered. "Remember all of it." He laughed. Not quite the hysterical laughter of insanity, thankfully, but a more muted version. A laugh still full of desperate anguish.  
  
"Okay then." Xander turned to go, then looked back. He thought about kicking Spike out, then decided he would survive sleeping on the couch, just for one night. He shut his mouth, and shook his head. Apparently Buffy wasn't the only one with a soft spot for the crazy vampire these days.  
  
He left the bedroom and closed the door behind him, frowning. Out of the basement, in normal light, Spike just looked wrong. Huddled on the floor, missing his trademark leather duster, messy curls hanging on his forehead. He *looked* broken, and Xander didn't need any reminders of that, thanks very much. He could hear the muttering through the wall just fine.  
  
Well, maybe by tomorrow night there would be a new demon to hunt down, or they could go patrolling. Staking some vamps might help. And he thought maybe he might have some hair gel in the bathroom cupboard that Spike could use. If not, he would buy some on his way home tomorrow. Maybe if Spike looked better, more like his normal self, he would feel better.  
  
Xander sighed and stretched out on the couch. Yeah, tomorrow things would be better.  
  
****  
  
END 


End file.
